Pansy up.

My world is changing around me, but I stay the same. Things feel so different lately; it's tangible. People are moving on and forward with their lives and I'm really happy for them...just a bit jealous that my life seems to be stuck on repeat. I knew this would happen eventually, but never prepared for it.

Friends that I thought were friends are turning out not to be friends which sucks, but it happens. Others are leaving and moving on with their great plans for their lives which is awesome. Part of me wishes that things could stay the same but that isn't even possible since they are ever-changing. Things are different from month to month and week to week even. I guess that is just how it goes. But those are minor changes and now I have to deal with major changes to my environment. Now is when I feel like I should have put more effort into friendships and regret that I won't have the chance too. Or maybe it just won't be as easy. Lesson learned too late once again.

But back to the life changes...I often tell myself that I have plenty of time and that I'm only 23 so it's okay to sit back and relax for a while. That just seems like a cop out as of late though. I expect more from myself. I used to be a go-getter. But then I knew what I wanted to go-get.

People are often polite and will ask me about my future plans or the things I've shared that I want to accomplish. "Have you thought more about the Peace Corps? What about grad school??" they ask and instead of having a normal reaction to these questions, I often feel attacked. I tense up and skirt around the question because honestly it feels like I'm not trying in life. I never used to react this way. But sometimes people don't buy my vague answers and keep pushing for the real answers. It's not very easy to admit that you're afraid and when I try to put my fears into words, people think I'm being irrational and don't understand. I guess it's just hard to explain so that's why I've just quit trying. I know people just care about me and are trying to be nice, but I feel added pressured and I already put enough pressure on myself.

Yes I have all these things I want to accomplish but they seem so much bigger than me so I'm afraid to reach for them. Failure is a fear of mine and I hate appearing weak. So if I don't try, I can't fail right? How lame is that mindset?

I need to stop being a pansy.