List #6

51-61 of my 101 in 1001.

51. Follow hockey better. (go blackhawks!)
52. Pay it forward.
53. Procrastinate less.
54. Be more empathetic.
55. Be love.
56. Walk more.
57. Drive less.
58. Work my strengths.
59. Blog/journal more.
60. Ask for help when I need it.
61. Don't hold anything back.

List #5

41-50 of my 101 in 1001.

41. Drink more water.
42. Dresses.
43. Call my grandma more.
44. Keep my standards high.
45. Dance more.
46. Drink less soda.
47. Befriend the mean bartender at Monks that everyone hates.
48. Write more letters.
49. Find a pen pal.
50. Increase my argyle sock count.

List #4

32-40 of my 101 in 1001.


32. Become a more seasoned wine drinker.
33. Go camping in a tent.
34. Eat out less.
35. Save money.
36. Increase my record collection.
37. Buy a record player.
38. Speak my mind more often.
39. Increase my Spanish skills.
40. Recycle.

To the left, to the left...

Fun fact: I love me some Beyonce.

This one's a classic.


Enjoy.

List #3

I had planned on banging out these lists like no other, but truth is 101 things are a lot to think of. Especially since I want achievable things because who needs more disappointment in life? Not this girl.

So here's 21-31...

21. Visit Seattle.
22. Trade in my car for a more fuel efficient model.
23. Go swimming in a lake.
24. Learn to swim better.
25. Watch my niece for a whole weekend by myself.
26. See my brother come home safely.
27. Get a cat.
28. Visit Las Vegas.
29. Budget better.
30. Take in as many Twins games as possible.
31. Marry Joe Mauer.

Baby why don't you stay?

I have loved this song since the first time I heard it. It's just raw emotion. The video tears me up every time.

Enjoy.

List #2

11-20 of my 101 in 1001.


11. Bake/perfect a chocolate souffle.
12. Yoga on a regular basis.
13. Run a 5k.
14. Work on my fear of commitment.
15. Improve my cooking skills.
16. Reduce my debt (i.e. student loans).
17. Accept the fact that most people won't change.
18. Accept that some people can change.
19. Rock a karaoke song all by myself.
20. Smile more.

101 in 1001.

I read about this concept of making a list of 101 things/goals you want to accomplish in 1001 days. I loved it.

This seemed like the perfect amount of time to complete 101 tasks especially when I first calculated the 1001 days to be just over 9 years. (Yes, after numerous years of math classes and even calculus, I can't do simple division.) I recalculated and it is in fact 2.74 years. Okay, still do-able, I just will have to downscale my goals a bit.

So in the upcoming week(s), I'll be listing my 101 in 1001 in 9 lists of 10 and 1 list of 11.


Here's the first list of 10:

1. Move somewhere fabulous.
2. Visit a foreign country.
   
3. Visit Hawaii at least 2 more times.
4. Start Graduate or Law School.
5. Volunteer more.
   
6. Get more involved in politics.
7. Read at least one book a month.
   
8. Tattoo #2.
9. Grow my hair out.
   
10. Fall in love again.

Here's the deal...

I want something to make me feel alive.

Don't get me wrong, life is fine...I mean I can't really complain. And sure I have passions in life, but I can't help but feel something is missing.

What's it going to take to fill that void? Grad school? Moving to a new city? I'm not really sure, so I'll be on the hunt.

Boom.

Lately I've had numerous ideas/things bouncing around my head. How I'm ever going to decide what to do is beside me. One thing I do know is that I need a vacation stat. I've been stressed to the max and can feel the toll it's taking on my body. From the fatigue to the chest pains, it's no good. I need to start doing yoga right now. I should actually be yoga-ing right now instead of typing this blog post. Oh well.

Let's see, the elections sucked. The feeling was similar to having a boyfriend (that I care about) break up with me. Complete and utter heartbreak. I was pretty emotional the day after and wanted to stab people, but I resisted and am coping better these days. As terrible as it was, I still really enjoy politics and am toying with the idea of making a career out of it somehow. If that happens, I really need to find another hobby because I get pretty wrapped up and passionate about it. I guess I found a passion in my life. Score!?

My nephew should be arriving any day now whether on his own or via induction. Either way I'm excited to meet him and see my niece too. She's still ridiculously adorable and fun...except when she screams. Not so fun.

So there's a brief update...til next time.

Peace.

Gonna give all my secrets away...

There is just something about this song that makes me love it. Maybe because it's about secrets and I love secrets...even though I am not the best at keeping my own. Wah wah.

Also I've been a fan of One Republic ever since Mel and I saw them in Den-vah a few years ago. Good times.

Asshole theory.

Darin once told me that some guys will treat girls like crap in thinking that it will make the girl want them more and that he had seen the successes of these actions.

I call this the 'asshole theory'. It is very intriguing and I guess it works for some guys.

But fun fact, it won't work on this girl. Next, please!

Marry me, j-mraz?

How adorable and young does j-mraz look in this video?? Anyways, I love this song. I'm probably going to make it my personal anthem as of late.

Enjoy.

So funky.

Well where to start? These past few weeks I've been pretty stressed to the max. Apparently so stressed that I've given myself random chest pains. (don't worry; they've subsided...mostly) You may be wondering what the cause of this extra stress is and I guess I would have to blame it on work (mostly). I am kind of to the point where how much is too much. I didn't think I would reach this point so quickly, but maybe I am just going through a funk. Yes, that is what it must be. I'm sure I will snap out of it soon.

Otherwise things are trucking along. Sometimes slower than I'd like, but I've learned a long time ago that you can't make people care about you or anything else. They have to feel it on their own.

Another lesson that I recently learned: Doing things for yourself is much more gratifying than doing things because others want or expect you to. You are the one who has to look at yourself in mirror every morning and night and accept the decisions and actions you've made. You have to live with them no matter who influenced you to act on them, so why not start by pleasing yourself first?

So there you go. How grown up of me if I do say so myself.

Suck it, haters.

Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation.

Oh John Mayer, you did it again. Great lyrics=great song in my book.

I often feel like I am only capable of loving with half of my heart.

I think I am permanently broken. But that's another story so enjoy the song.

Slacker.

I admit that I've been a blogging slacker lately i.e. the whole month of August. I'll throw out the excuse that I've been busy and I have been. Between work, work tablings, and the vodka tour wrapping up, I rarely have had free time and when I do I like to cherish it by not blogging apparently.

That all said, I promise to make more of an effort to blog my thoughts as I'm sure you are all in dire need of a dose of them.

So now for a little update. Remember when I blogged about July being the best month of 2010 so far? Well August is also shaping up quite nicely. I really have no complaints in life. Things are finally coming together and I'm just going to sit back and let them happen. I'm learning to let go of things and people who don't want me in their lives and I'm okay with it.

I'm happy.

I'm more than just an option.

My other musical obsession for the month: Drake. I'm not a huge fan of rap by no means, but I really like him. Also he will always be 'Jimmy' from Degrassi: The Next Generation. Loved that show.

So enjoy (even though the video is a bit over dramatic in my opinion).

Slightly unexpected.

July has been my month and dare I say it, the best month of 2010 thus far.

I had such high expectations for 2010 which ultimately got off to a rough start. But the summer months have been quite redeeming and I hope it carries through the rest of the year. I can’t believe it is going to be August already. Time sure flies when you are happy.

Yikes.

Last night I was sitting outside with my fabulous new friends drinking too much vodka on the Vodka Tour at the Copper Lounge, when we decided to call it a night. About 30 minutes later, this happened right where we had been sitting outside.

Crazy. Had we stayed just a bit longer, we could have been seriously injured or worse.

Can you say 'suerte'?

Tonight we dance.

It's true. I'll admit I've recently become slightly obsessed with Enrique Iglesias.

This video of his breakout hit in America is quite the dirty gem. It is definitely the Latino version as I don't think the FCC would have allowed this sexed up version on MTV. But really, who doesn't love some dirty dancing?

Enjoy!

Best. Week. Ever.

Last week I had the best week ever. The universe was on my side, so I soaked it up while I could.

Want to know why it was so great? Let me tell you with this list...

1. Spain won the World Cup and therefore I won a bet
2. I won a $100 American Express gift card
3. An amazing new opportunity came my way
4. I spent the weekend with Alaina and Lauren
5. My air conditioner works
6. New music (hello Enrique!)
7. BP stopped the Gulf oil leak (well kind of)
8. I won $17.50 on the slots in Deadwood

Pretty sweet, huh?

#life

I hate wanting something I can't have and not wanting something I can have.

Why can't my feelings just match up accordingly?

Sure would make things easier.

Hate is such a nasty word...

I hate pretending.

I hate when it's super windy.

I hate when people call the choices I make 'phases'.

I hate shrimp.

I hate being let down.

I hate doing laundry.

I hate being so clumsy.

I hate that my best friends are so far from me.

I hate labels.

I hate when people use me and I let them.

I hate being left out.

I hate leftovers.

I hate rap music that is demeaning and misogynist (which is most of it).

I hate the little freckle on my nose.

I hate that I don't know what my passion is.

Ouch.

There are times when you get hurt and it takes a while for the pain to register. The delayed “Ouch!” often seems pointless and silly. But then there are times when you get hurt and the pain is immediate and so intense it takes your breath away. I often get a nauseous feeling in my stomach with hot flashes of pain. My mind starts racing and trying to deal with these new sensations, trying desperately to get them to stop. This is how I react to intense physical and emotional pain. Thankfully I guess I usually just get one type of pain at a time, but nonetheless, it still hurts like the first time every time.

When pain is caused by something physical, it is usually a result of my own clumsiness which is easily remedied as long as I watch where I’m going. But emotional pain is a little trickier.

The worst is when you don’t know what you did to cause others to inflict hurt on you. You desperately try to rack your brain for something, anything. Some clue that maybe you missed that would have prepped you better for the onslaught of pain. Sometimes you realize what you’ve been blind to, but other times, you have no idea which makes the pain so much worse. During those times, I go back and forth between tears and anger. I want them to know how they made me feel and hurt them back, but considering how I was treated, they probably wouldn’t care no matter what I said or did. At least that’s what the angry part inside me says. The sad teary part is less vengeful and just wants to know why.

So to all the people who have hurt me, you suck. I’ll forgive you, but I’ll never forget how you made me feel.

Finally.

Well people, the time has come. I knew it would happen one day and I just patiently awaited it. I wasn’t going to force anything; I wanted it to feel right.

Now that I feel ready, it’s go time.

More to come...

Under the covers...

Man, this past weekend while driving to Webster, I heard this song on the radio as a 'flashback'. I hadn't heard it in years and didn't even know who sang it til that day.

But the thing is, this song takes me back to the early college days. Ah the memories. This was before my Brazil-induced dmb phase (of whom I now love willingly).

This song is pop-y and catchy. I love it so much and am very glad it was brought back into my life. It's not going to change the world, but hearing it changes my attitude and that's good enough for me.

Just like Mike.

My dad is one of a kind. I realize that basically everyone thinks that, but I’m sticking to it.

The other night he called me up because he was looking at our tickets for the Twins game later this summer (someone’s excited to see Target Field) and could only find 5 when we should have 6. Right when he was asking me how many tickets I ordered, he realized that 2 of them were stuck together so crisis averted. I laughed and joked with him about how concerned he was over the tickets. I would have done the same thing though because we both love baseball. It's a bond that we share and I love it.

I strive to be like my dad with his overall awesomeness and maybe it’s working. The other day I was talking to my mom about politics and demographics, AKA I was talking and she was patiently listening to me go on and on. When I had finished, she said to me “You sound just like your dad.” I just smiled to myself because it was one of the greatest compliments I could receive.

On Father’s day, I spent the majority of the time hanging with my dad and watching the Twins crush the Phillies and then got crushed by my dad in a game of croquet. Both were great games and a great way to spend the day.

So cheers to my dad and all the other awesome fathers out there.

My prediction

Well the kitten video didn’t get the or any reaction like I was hoping for...tough crowd. So I guess I will just get back to my ramblings. Except for I don’t really know what to write about...so let’s write about the World Cup. I mean it only happens every 4 years and I’m a sucker for global sporting events so I think it’s worthy of a post. First and foremost, I’m sure you are all wondering who I’ve picked to win it. In typical fashion, I’ve picked Brazil and I have reasons to back this up.




1) They are a country that loves football. I mean it’s intense.


2) I know some Brazilians and like them, except for maybe 1. But they are super nice and hospitable. They will accept you into their home as family, as that is the Brazilian way. So I’ve always felt a bit of a connection to Brazil.


3) The Brazilian team is focused. I read somewhere that their coach was banning the team from having sex leading up to and during the World Cup. Now that is quite the dedication and I figure it will make them want it (winning and victory sex) even more than all the other teams. Now while it’s a crazy tactic, it will be interesting to see if it is successful or not. I feel for the partners of the players though as I think it would be rough because we all know how hot the player in the World Cup are.


Those are all solid enough reasons for me to pick them to win it. Not that I’m completely opposed to other countries like Spain, Argentina, Portugal, and Chile winning either. Because my number one rule for the World Cup is if your team is good-looking, I will cheer for you and you are all winners in my eyes.

So anyone have other predictions? Anyone else even care?

KITTEN!

This is funny and adorable.

Makes me want a kitten mucho.

Add it to the list.

Well I am back from DC and trying to get back in the swings of my usual life. I often fall in love with every city I visit and DC was no exception. I didn’t really expect it, but it happened. DC just has a political/intellectual vibe that I love. I felt surrounded by doers and by people who make things happen and who matter.

The city, or at least where I was, was quite lovely too. Some beautiful architecture with some places looking almost European. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there was a different embassy, from Chile, Australia, and Peru, to the Brazilian Consulate. (I think we all know how I feel about Brazil, but that’s a whole other blog post.) I think I like being around these foreign embassies because it’s the closest I can get to the actual countries for now. I could definitely see myself living in DC, but I often feel that way about almost every place I visit.

Another little fun fact about my trip, I did not get homesick. I never seem to miss SD. Most of the other people I was with expressed homesickness and were ready to go home. Keep in mind that “home” for them were places like Chicago, Portland, Minneapolis, and Raleigh. Just once, I’d like to experience a longing to be home. I really need to get out of here.

Running away.

It's been one of those weeks where I just want to cry. Everything just feels off or wrong. I also feel really alone for some reason and I don't like it.

So basically this week has been rough and would be completely unbearable if it wasn't for my upcoming trip to DC.

I am just ready to get out of here, if even for a few days.

Happy face.

Since I received a request for more videos, I thought I would post some JT.

I have always loved this song because it just makes me want to dance and dancing makes me happy and I've been putting on my happy face as of late.

In high school when I worked at Subway and closed late at night, I would crank this song when it came on the radio and dance while I cleaned. Then I realized that we had security cameras recording my every move. Classic.

Enjoy!

Pansy up.

My world is changing around me, but I stay the same. Things feel so different lately; it's tangible. People are moving on and forward with their lives and I'm really happy for them...just a bit jealous that my life seems to be stuck on repeat. I knew this would happen eventually, but never prepared for it.

Friends that I thought were friends are turning out not to be friends which sucks, but it happens. Others are leaving and moving on with their great plans for their lives which is awesome. Part of me wishes that things could stay the same but that isn't even possible since they are ever-changing. Things are different from month to month and week to week even. I guess that is just how it goes. But those are minor changes and now I have to deal with major changes to my environment. Now is when I feel like I should have put more effort into friendships and regret that I won't have the chance too. Or maybe it just won't be as easy. Lesson learned too late once again.

But back to the life changes...I often tell myself that I have plenty of time and that I'm only 23 so it's okay to sit back and relax for a while. That just seems like a cop out as of late though. I expect more from myself. I used to be a go-getter. But then I knew what I wanted to go-get.

People are often polite and will ask me about my future plans or the things I've shared that I want to accomplish. "Have you thought more about the Peace Corps? What about grad school??" they ask and instead of having a normal reaction to these questions, I often feel attacked. I tense up and skirt around the question because honestly it feels like I'm not trying in life. I never used to react this way. But sometimes people don't buy my vague answers and keep pushing for the real answers. It's not very easy to admit that you're afraid and when I try to put my fears into words, people think I'm being irrational and don't understand. I guess it's just hard to explain so that's why I've just quit trying. I know people just care about me and are trying to be nice, but I feel added pressured and I already put enough pressure on myself.

Yes I have all these things I want to accomplish but they seem so much bigger than me so I'm afraid to reach for them. Failure is a fear of mine and I hate appearing weak. So if I don't try, I can't fail right? How lame is that mindset?

I need to stop being a pansy.

Acceptance

Denial is often a friend of mine and I embrace it often. More often than I maybe should. It just makes me feel better about certain situations that I am not quite ready to accept. But I am going to try and accept things quicker and just move on.

I will embrace each choice and decision I make because it is a part of my life. Some choices are more permanent than others, but I will not let those choices control me or my life.

I am in control and choose my actions. I may not always make the most responsible or “right” decisions , but they are made sometimes and make me who I am today. And I just so happen to like myself, flaws included.

Bummer.

Well I’m sad to report that no major life changes will be happening anytime soon. I was pretty bummed out as I really wanted to live the life of a Nicolas Spark’s book, but alas. I guess it was not the right opportunity for me, even though it felt like it. But this wouldn’t be the first time in my life that my feelings were confused and not aligned with reality. I sometimes think that life would be better if I felt nothing at all, but then other times I feel that feelings are all I have and cling to the memories of the good ones. But anyways...

I will just sit back and wait for the next opportunity to come along and hope that it will be the one that works in my favor. Until then, I think I really need to reevaluate what I want in my life right now. Being where I am isn’t as terrible as I tell myself sometimes and it’s nice to have the comfort in my life when I get knocked down and disappointed. I really am quite satisfied in every area of my life except for the job/career situation.

I know it could be worse, but I think it could be better. So I will just keep holding out for that area to improve. I just want something that makes me proud and puts my education to use because lately, I wonder why I even went to college. I don’t feel like it’s helping me at all and I never wanted to or thought I would regret it…but honestly, lately I do. Maybe my attitude just needs an adjustment but really it’s just hard to be positive and upbeat all the time. So I’m sure it’s just a phase and I will be happy when it’s over.

Peace.

Moving on.

So many thoughts are buzzing through my mind.

It’s turning out to be a crazy week with returning from Minneapolis on Tuesday, and then working both jobs and finally packing so I can move this Saturday. But that’s really just the physical part of my week. Too bad the physical takes up so much time. But anything physical always does.

Along with prepping myself for a move to my very own apartment, I have so many thoughts going through my mind. I received potentially exciting news that could cause my comfortable life here to take a potentially drastic change. I can't help but wonder if I'm ready for it.

But more on that later as I’m probably getting ahead of myself. Yet my mind races with the changes that could be. How much do I want my life to change right now? It’s a good question and I really don’t have the answer. I do know that things are getting too comfortable lately and that is a feeling that I find very uncomfortable.

Maybe it’s time to move on, if the right opportunity comes my way. I guess all I can do is my best and see what happens as only time will tell. I’ve been going by my instincts and gut feelings a lot lately meaning if something feels right to me, I do it. This applies to everything I do or don't do. So if this change feels right, I’m jumping.

here we are...

This is another one of those songs. I love everything about it. It's calm yet so full of passion. Lyrically beautiful and just awesome. I could listen to it on repeat and sometimes do. It's close to the top of the list of my most favorite songs.

I love the line "What a beautiful mess, this is. It's like taking a guess when the only answer is 'yes' ". It sums up my life and the uncertainty I have so beautifully. It gets me every time.

So I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

My musical drugs.

Every once in a while, there are songs/lyrics that just speak to me. These songs/lyrics often have a soothing/calming effect over me and I tend to always migrate back to them at some point through my musical journeys.

Below is one of them. An oldie, but a goodie that I will always love probably because part of me will always be able to identify with it.

reborn.

It’s hard to explain what I’ve been feeling lately. I haven’t been writing much, but that is definitely not due to being uninspired.

I guess my recent bout with illness really took its toll on me and wiped out about 5 solid days of my life. As I lay there with a fever sleeping my days away and feeling miserable, I couldn’t help but think about all the things I should or could be doing.

I hadn’t had a fever quite some time and forgot how much it takes out of you…and actually didn’t realize it until I started feeling better. I know this sounds silly, but getting over this viral/bacterial thing and related issues really made me feel alive again. I almost feel reborn. I rekindled the appreciation I have for my body and my abilities.

I like feeling in control, especially of my body, and didn’t like the few days when my temperature hovered between 101-103 degrees. I had lost control all of a sudden and I didn’t know how to make myself better. (The doctor did not know either and was none too concerned about me. New doctor please.) There was no quick fix. I just had to ride it out and trust in my body's ability to fight the good fight. Darwinism at its finest, I guess. As miserable as I was during that time and felt like death was becoming me, I had no choice.

But I have to tell you, the feeling of getting better was amazing. I haven’t felt that appreciative about really anything in a long time. Our bodies are amazing creations and a healthy one is such a blessing. As much as we all fight with body image, weight issues, and just plain liking our physical selves, we need to take a step back and really look at ourselves. It's time to stop hating and start loving.

I have always been a fairly confident person, but never truly appreciated what I have inside and out or maybe just lost sight of it. I had to get out of balance to really appreciate the harmonious balance we can have emotionally, physically and spiritually.

It’s a scary thought to take anything for granted too much and I’m glad I was able to be grounded by a simple infection. Now that I have this newly found optimism towards my life and the world, I'll try to use it because the time is now.

Peace and love to the Earth and all its inhabitants.

wishful thinking...

If I had just one wish and only one wish, I would wish for…I don’t know. World peace is an obvious answer and one I would strongly consider. To change the lives of millions and billions of people with one sweeping wish would be amazing.

But what would world peace constitute you ask?

No more wars.

Clean drinking water for all.

Safe housing and places to live.

An equal distribution of wealth or at least much closer than it is now (how socialist of me, I know).

No more genocide.

No more drug cartels and drug lords.

No more innocent deaths.

No more rape.

No more domestic violence.

No more pain and suffering.

No more fear for standing up for what you believe in.

No more judgment.

Basically no more "bad".

We would all be equals like it is supposed to be. I would still want to have separate cultures because if we were all exactly the same that would be boring. And this way we could learn from each other and really see what the other is offering. We would be always respectful of and learn to appreciate our differences, but in the end realize that we are all essentially the same. This is what we are; only human.

Why then does it have to take a wish for this to happen? Why are money, greed and power so intoxicating to many? Life is so materialistic for many while others never get to experience many of the material things we consider basic needs and even rights.

All of these thoughts make life much more frustrating and it’s hard to think that one person can make a difference when there are so many things wrong in the world. Many that only affect us indirectly and only if we are willing to think about them and let them affect us. We have so much power. It's time to start using it...unless I stumble upon a genie in a lamp, a la Aladdin-style, and can fix it all myself. But I'm probably going to need some help.

No more denial...

So it's official. I will admit what I've inevitably been denying for a while now...

I'm lost.

Or at least that's how I feel in my life. I think I've always had somewhat of a direction, but as of late I don't think that's true. I just don't know about anything anymore.

I don't know what I want in any aspect of my life. I don't know what will make me happy or what makes me happy right now. All the stability I thought I had is crumbling around me like old concrete. I have no idea how to stop it or make it all better. I do things that I think I want or that I think will make me happy, but ultimately they don't.

So I'll pose the question: what am I supposed to do to make things better?

Because I sure as heck don't know.

*sigh*

Dang, what a weekend.

More to come if I feel like it.

Peace.

In your face.

Sometimes I refuse to see things or situations that are right in front of me, often thrown in my face.

These can be positive situations, but typically are not. They typically end up being some of the harder lessons to learn.

Cheers to being 23 and still so naive sometimes.

Lo siento.

I sometimes have dreams where people apologize to me and it really makes me feel better, until I realize it was just a dream.

It's not like everyone I encounter in my dream apologizes, but typically just one particular person. I think it is my subconscious' way of telling me I feel wronged by that person no matter how much my conscious self denies it or ignores it.

I guess I should own up to all my feelings and stop making excuses for people if it affects my dreams. Really no need to be wasting my REM sleep on crap like that. ;)

P.S. I also have dreams where I apologize to particular people so I guess I've wronged people too. Crazy how things like that affect a person...

Something to work on...

I hate commitment of basically any kind. The only thing I have really ever committed to in my life is friendships. I mean I even hate signing apartment leases because it means I have live in a certain place for a predetermined amount time. And lets not even start on my lack/fear of commitment in relationships with significant others.

I guess I am just a free spirit through and through. I have never liked to be tied down to anything and therefore avoid commitment like the plague.

This also causes me to be a very indecisive person. Or maybe because I'm indecisive, it causes my fear/hatred of commitment. Either way, it's just how I've always been.

But if this is the case, how am I suppose to decide anything important in my life and commit to any changes? I think and think and think about something before actually making the decision which wastes a lot of time. I just can't seem to make big decisions any other way. I don't want to make the wrong decision.

So my indecisiveness and fear of commitment sometimes hold me back from things, but I don't know how to change it. I want to make major changes in my life and need to get around these things in order to make things happen. If not, I'm going to be stuck wondering 'what if' for a long time and I don't want to live like that.

Peace.

?

My mind is so clouded with confusion.

I don't know what to do.

Life is hard.

Hawaiian love.

I recently returned from the great state of Hawai'i and wanted to share a few things I learned or noticed while there. So enjoy!

*14 lessons/fun facts about Hawai'i and my trip*

1. Sand is a great exfoliant as it tends to get everywhere.
2. Volcanic ash stains unless you use oxy-clean.
3. Pineapple tastes 12 times better in Hawai'i (as with all fruit).
4. Bars stay open until 4 am.
5. Hawai'i has the longest yellow lights ever. (This blew my mind.)
6. People in the military are cooler than you would expect.
7. Hiking is better in Hawai'i because there are no snakes and very few bugs.
8. Hona ho.
9. It's possible to get kicked out of Cheesecake Factory...even on your birthday.
10. Jellyfish can shut down things there just like a blizzard in the Midwest.
11. Aloha means 'hello', 'good-bye', and 'I love you'. (How awesome is that?)
12. Dirty Shirley's are delicious.
13. Mostly all of the street names are crazy Hawaiian words which make traffic reports kind of hilarious.
14. Australians are sloppy kissers.
    

There's more, so I'll try to add them as they come to mind....

eeny meeny miny moe

I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life. There are at least 5 forks in the road that I could travel down but how do I know which one to pick?

Also, before I can even get to those paths it feels like there is a wall I have to get over or break through. Nothing like a challenge I guess.

Oh life, why do you have to be so difficult right out of the chute?

On a related note, the twenties seem to be living up to their overrated-ness. Wah-wah. At least not all expectations are let-downs.

burning bridges...

The other day I was talking with my mother telling her that I was done with trying to reach out to a particular person. I had tried to engage in a conversation with this person and show interest but they didn't reciprocate, so I was done trying on my part. My mom responded to this in very typical mom fashion by telling me to not 'burn my bridges' so quickly because I might regret it one day.

I thought my feelings were justified so I was slightly offended by this. But if you know our mother/daughter relationship it really shouldn't have been too surprising that I would take offense. It did get me to think about the relationships I keep and the effort I put into them. Typically if you do me wrong, I'm done with you no questions asked and it's a very black and white situation. But that really isn't the case for some people. Some people get this huge gray area that I never realized I give out.

So really I feel I don't burn as many bridges as I probably should. There are certain people that I put up with so much from and forgive them so quickly. Why is this? Some relationships get so much more attention than others. I guess I look at the give/take ratio for most of them. But there are a few where the give part on my side is way greater than the take part. So why do I put up with this instead of burning those bridges and moving on?

I really don't know what the answer is to that question. I find it funny though with some relationships how I can be so sure and set on giving up on it and putting it in my past. I guess these quickly abandoned relationships are typically ones that never matured and went anywhere. And now they don't have that chance because I've decided to be done with them. I'm not even giving them a fair chance. But in reality, I feel everyone has to pick and choose what to put their energy into. There simply isn't enough energy and time to put equal amounts into every relationship I have. So therefore I pick and choose the ones most important to me or the ones that I think are the most important.

I do wish I could figure out a way to stop saving those relationships that don't necessarily deserve it though. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to burn those bridges but for some unknown reason I continue to put more effort into them than they really deserve. I guess some people have a stronger hold on me than I thought.


Peace.

It's about time.

As much as I complain about the smallness of Sioux Falls, I may have to eat my words. Looks like networking in this small town may have paid off. Finally.

More to come as I learn more about this possible venture.

A glimpse of the future?

I recently was told by two good friends that I would make a good cougar. Not the animal, but the middle aged woman who preys on younger men. This comment made me laugh a lot but I think they were mostly serious. I have also never seen two people agree on something so quickly.

They are pretty cute.

I can't really see myself preying on younger men as I tend to be attracted to older men nowadays. I guess my mentality could change, but there is just something wonderfully yummy about older men. But I digress...

I guess I'll take this as a somewhat compliment because cougars are usually pretty hot for being 40+. If I'm single in my 40's and looking good who knows maybe I'll try to snag a 20 something hottie.

Worked for Demi...

But alas I still have a solid 17 years before I am 40 and a lot can happen in those years...like becoming a puma when I'm 30 and working my way to a cougar status. (Just kidding folks.)

Stay classy kids!

Peace.

Ah some perspective...

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently focusing mostly on my misfortunes in life. Sure I've been let down quite a bit in the past week or so, but I need to stop dwelling on it. We all have to deal with misfortune and bad times at some point, but the fact is we deal and move on.

It is so easy to play the 'woe is me' role and sometimes it's needed. Just like sometimes sobbing uncontrollably on my floor is needed. It is a release and I feel better after doing it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm done focusing on the bad in my life, even though not everything has been resolved. It will get resolved eventually because it has to one way or another and worrying or dwelling on it will not change that. That is just a fact of life that I sometimes lose sight of.

I have so much going for me and so many good things in my life to focus on. I also think things are starting to look up. I have some upcoming opportunities so now it is time to examine those options and pick the best one for me to start working towards. I need to figure out what is best for me and my life.

So I welcome the changes with open arms because I have not been so happy with how things have been going.

It also helps to remember that in a little over 2 weeks I'll be in Hawaii. So aloha bitches.

Status pending.

This past week or so, my life has just been one disappointment after another. Really. I'm not sure how much more I can take so things better improve soon.

If the universe is punishing me for some reason, I really want to know why and what I did. Life's starting to seem cruel and I'm not a fan of cruelness.

My high hopes for 2010 are staring to decrease a bit and that saddens me.

Faking forgetfulness.

I want to write about memory. I don't mean to brag but I have a pretty good memory. So good that sometimes I wish I didn't remember as much as I do. I realize how crazy it sounds to wish that I had a worse memory, but sometimes I think it would just make things in life easier.

For example, when meeting new people, names are often forgotten by most. Well not by me. In fact I often will fake forgetting some one's name just to fit in. I think it will come across as creepy or something if I remember some one's name that I have only met once. Maybe silly, but just my thinking.

Also I think if I didn't remember the little things people say, it wouldn't affect my feelings as much. I would experience less hurt because I wouldn't be able to dwell on something someone said that seemed important at the time but clearly they don't remember it. Their words were not important enough for them to remember but yet I remember them. It just sucks sometimes.

I do like the fact that I remember many trivial facts from geography to sharks to sports to politics and typically have something to add to a conversation. I really try to cram as much random knowledge in my memory as possible because I like to be well informed about what's going on in the world. So maybe having a good memory isn't sooo bad...

But alas I suppose I should embrace my good memory because as I get older I'm sure the sharpness will fade. So for the time being, I will just continue to fake a bad memory sometimes, mostly when meeting new people, for the sake of fitting in.

And just remember if you talk to me and say something of importance, you better remember saying it because I more than likely will.

Peace and love.

Ain't no rest for the wicked.

I have had a bit of difficulty in shutting my mind down lately; mostly when I try to go to sleep at night. I feel tired earlier in the evening but when I actually lie down for the night, my mind just keeps jumping around and analyzing things. It's quite frustrating since this is about the 4th night in a row.

I rarely have insomnia and typically sleep like a baby. (Sweet cooing noises included, just ask Alaina who has witnessed them.) I feel refreshed after a solid 9 hours. I like my sleep.

So why am I not falling asleep now? I guess I just have a lot to mull over in my head these days. I am also more stressed out than normal for various reasons. I suppose until solutions are thought of and put into action falling asleep at a normal time is out of the question.

Lets hope my stress level reduces soon because I like my beauty sleep and the crankiness will start to emerge. Mark my words.

This is it.

I finally decided on a New Year's resolution...3 days into the new year. While there are a few things I want to try and accomplish that are more or less personal goals, I've decided on something tangible to really really work for.

My resolution for 2010 is to complete my Peace Corps application and officially start the process to becoming a volunteer.

The Peace Corps has been a dream of mine ever since junior year of high school. I will admit, a bit shamefully, that my first initial draw to the the Peace Corps was in the name. I mean who wouldn't want to be a part of something called the Peace Corps? And after looking into it more, I realized it's the type of work I want to do and define my life.

So the crush has been lingering for years now like an ex-boyfriend that I never quite got out of my head. We have a chemistry that I'm unwilling to give up on.

Now it's time for me to make the move and hopefully my relationship with the Peace Corps develops into something wonderfully emotional and physical and *fingers crossed* even life changing.

Alright 2010.

Lets make it happen.