Reality check.

As the semester winds down, all of these thoughts and feelings are starting to hit me. I am almost done with college. Freshman year seems like it was just yesterday. Man I was so excited to get away and move to Minneapolis and go to a prestigious university like the U and now I am in Brookings finishing up my degree at good ol' SDSU! I never never thought I would be here right now.

Ahhhh the freshman experience...and yes that is redi-whip.

But everything has turned out quite nicely. I know I could have made it at Minnesota, but it just wasn't quite right. In the end, I am really glad that I came to SDSU. I have met so many great people and experienced so many great things here. Besides the winters, I really can't complain.

Yes there have been ups and downs along the way, but I made it. I went through some tough times here; first real heartbreak and various disappointments to name some. But everything I've been through just shapes me into the person I am today and I happen to like that person. I have learned so much and am grateful for the bad and ugly experiences that came along with the sweet and happy experiences.

This is a little reminiscent and that's what I wanted it to be. Soon I get to venture out into the real world which is terrifying. (I don't care what anybody says.) I just hope the world doesn't crush me too hard and I make my way through the transition with some ease. I know it will be a big reality check when I actually have to start to pay for my own insurances and bills, along with student loans. How wonderful.

I knew this was coming all along, but maybe just thought I would feel a little more grown up and prepared...but are we ever really prepared for anything? I always hear the best things in life happen when you don't expect them or are unprepared, so maybe this adult thing won't be so bad.

Senior year and so grown up(?)

So bring it Sioux Falls (at least until the end of August) and then who knows? I have no definite plans yet for after my internship, but everything has fallen into place slowly thus far and hopefully it will continue to...

Don't look up...

My two biggest fears are heights and spiders. I'm not sure which I fear more, but currently it's heights.

This past week, I attempted to climb the 35 foot rock wall at the Wellness Center twice. Now why would someone who is afraid of heights willingly attempt to climb a wall and place their fate in a rope and some well-tied knots? I really must be crazy and that is pretty much how I felt; yet it is something I have always wanted to do. Let me digress...

My first attempt was Monday night. I had tried to get a few friends to come with but ended up going alone. I did know the guy who was my belay so that definitely helped. I initially went to the Wellness Center telling myself over and over that I was going to do it, but after I got in there the nerves set in a bit more. So I worked out a bit and tried to calm myself down. I went back and forth numerous times as to whether or not I would make an attempt. I finally made my way over to the climbing area to talk to Dan (my belay) and basically talk myself into doing it. As I got closer to the wall, I gulped and nervously looked up. Man I swear it was 70 feet high! But reassured myself, he won't make me climb the big wall my first time; I'll just start out on the little one, much like the bunny slope when you are skiing.

So after chatting with Dan a little bit, he asks if I'm going to climb. "No no no", I reply. Well shoot, there went my chance to be brave and face my fear. We kept talking and he kept nicely probing me to climb and finally I give in. So I go sign the waiver (comforting!) and come back and get harnessed up. I learn how to tie the knots that will supposedly keep me from falling and breaking my neck. Dan gives me a few pointers (after probably noticing my 'deer in headlights' look). Don't look up and try to reach for a grip, look down and find a place for your foot, boost yourself up higher and then you will be able to reach. Sounds simple enough and I tuck the advice away in my memory. I turn to face the "easy side" on the big wall. Yep, no baby starter wall for me! Now is when a bit more of panic sets in...I am going to be dangling from this rope and these knots that I tied?!? Well that's just great.

A few commands later and I'm climbing. Wow, it's easier than I thought....until I get up higher and want to keep looking up because of my fear of heights but instead remember the advice and look down at my feet. Boy, I'm up high....so my heart starts to beat faster, I can feel my legs start to shake a bit, and I just might freeze up. But miraculously, I go a bit farther!

All in all, I made it about halfway up my first time. Not too shabby. Coming down and letting go of the wall is probably the hardest part for me. Trusting the rope is something that is very hard for someone who is afraid of heights, like me. So I safely reach the ground and feel amazing. My heart is still pumping and I'm still a little shaky, but I made it! It is something I have always wanted to try but doubted my ability to physically do it. I never thought I had enough upper-body strength to help pull myself up, but I do. :)

Lastly, I thank Dan for not letting me fall and break my neck and leave the Wellness Center with a bit of a high. I should try new things more often.

So now I'm pumped about my climbing success and want to take others with me and did take Alaina and Emily with the next day! They both did awesome even though they both had doubts too. This time, I made it even further and was a few mere feet from the top. My fear of heights once again got the best of me, but I am confident I will make it to the top next time.

Just a little mind over matter, baby.

woulda, coulda, shoulda

I try to stay fairly positive about things and be an optimist, but there are times when I look back on my life so far and wonder if I should have did some things differently.

I hate 'what ifs' and that is not what I want this to be about, yet that is kind of what it is. :/ There are just certain things I wish I would have done differently in the past 22 years.

I wish I had been more immature as a child. I have always been told how mature I am and how grown up I am for my age all throughout my life. This is nice and all, but part of me feels like I missed out on the naivety of childhood.

I wish in college I would have studied abroad. I have always always wanted to do it, but never found the time. College really just flew by and now I'm graduating before I get the opportunity. I know I will leave the country someday, I just thought studying abroad would the perfect way to do it before I have to add more adult responsibilities to my life.

I guess I will just have to start saving my vacation days and money so I can make it happen. I also really want to live and work in another country for a few years. This could be accomplished with the Peace Corps or other programs. So I can't completely write this one off yet.

After getting that out there, I really just want to live my life a bit more out of my comfort zone. Hopefully this will stop any future 'what ifs' from sneaking up on me. Plus, how great is it to step outside the lines of monotony? The flutter of your heart, wondering to yourself if you are crazy, and the uncertainty of the situation and outcome. It really is quite wonderful and makes me feel alive inside.

Ridiculously happy.

When life is good, it is really good. I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Everything just seems to go my way lately. I was chosen for an amazing $2000 scholarship to put towards expenses from my unpaid internship this summer, I finally got my internship paperwork all done and am ready to start in May, and I passed my exit exam, which means I graduate with honors. Now I knew I would get the second one done because I have to to be able to graduate...I need those 12 credits! But I am totally blown away by the other ones; they were both completely unexpected.

I am just overall happy. I had a tough, but much needed discussion with my parents recently, I have an amazing niece whom I love more than I ever thought possible, and I have amazing friends who are always there for me, even when I feel absolutely alone in the world. Also, I am noticing many more cute guys around here! Where have they been hiding? Maybe they sense my happiness...after all, it is suppose to be contagious. :) Oh and most importantly, I am so close to getting out of here! I can see the window of opportunity opening up and I want to jump.

It is such a nice change of pace, but I'll admit that it scares me. I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out of my closet and yell "you've been punk'd!"

Maybe it is just my time to have so much positive energy come my way and maybe I deserve it. Part of me is skeptical though. I keep waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me because that is usually what happens when I am so happy; my world finds a way to come crashing down on me. So I can't help but think something bad is going to happen and wonder what it will be.

I just can't fight the feeling...there have got to be ominous clouds in the distance.

But for right now, I will push the negative thoughts to the back of my mind and make the most of all the goodness that has come to me lately.

All is fair in love and war...or is it?

So maybe you haven't heard the news, but Mel Gibson is getting a divorce after 28 years of marriage. His wife filed for the divorce claiming the ever popular, irreconcilable differences. Now I am not against divorce at all; if it is going to make someone happier to not be with someone anymore, go for it.

But the big issue here is money money. Mel Gibson is supposedly worth $1 billion. (I knew he was talented and popular, but wow!) His wife wants half of that. She wants 500 million dollars (if my math is correct; I'm not use to such big amounts...) in the settlement.

Does she really deserve that much, most of which I'm sure Mel earned on his own? I'm not going to judge since I don't know the details of the situation, etc.

This story made me think about worth. We all have our ways of calculating self worth or just worth in general. Personality, morals, values, occupation, and money are all ways to do it. I just could never imagine being worth $1 billion. It is a ridiculous amount of money and I can hardly wrap my head around it. I am still convinced I would be happy with $1 million. I really think I could live very very comfortably with that amount...not that I wouldn't take more if given...

But back to the divorce thing, I guess this is just more proof that prenuptial agreements are a must because you never know where you will be say 28 years down the road or how much you will be worth monetarily. I guess unless you are cool with a 50/50 split of everything.

Just some food for thought...

daddy's girl

My dad is the best man I know.

Now I know a few good men, but my dad takes the cake. He is just so wonderful in so many ways. I have always been a daddy's girl and always will be. He is strong, caring, and supportive.

He understands that I am my own person and capable of making my own competent decisions. He loves me no matter what I do and I don't think there is anything I could do that would make him disown me.

We have great conversations from politics to baseball. I am often amazed at how knowledgeable he is about the world and about life. I can only hope that I am as intelligent as him one day.

My dad and I circa 1992.

Some people say my dad and I are a lot alike and I hope it is true. I am thankful everyday to have him as my dad and couldn't ask for a better one.

I only hope one day if I have a child, his/her dad is as special to them as mine is to me.

I'm only human.

Sometimes the things people do and/or say hurt my feelings.

Instead of hearing things from one person and passing them along to another, how about you check with me first before you judge or make any kind of assumption about me? It is my life after all; I should know the real story.

Also, if you think it won't get back to me, you're wrong. It's a small world and even smaller where we live. Everyone knows everyone apparently.

I need to get out.

Part of me longs to be anonymous.

I've got a secret.

So yesterday I received some exciting news. It was the kind of news that makes you feel so good about yourself and you really want to share it with someone because you can't stop smiling.

So while I was on cloud nine, my mind raced to think of a person to call. As I went from person to person, I thought of reasons why I shouldn't call them and share the news. "Oh she's probably busy, they are working, he might not answer or even care, etc..." is what ran through my mind.

As a consequence, I called no one. I couldn't think of a single person that might be available for me to share my news with and by the time I saw someone in person, I just decided to keep it to myself. I had come down from my high of happiness and was no longer as elated as I had been just a little bit earlier.

I know I have many people I can depend on in my life, but for some reason I didn't have that one person that most people have and call in these situations.

I am flabbergasted by this and maybe need to make some changes in my life.

I'll tell you my motives, if you tell me yours...

Some people always confuse me. I just can't read them or don't know enough about them to understand where they are coming from or what they even mean by their actions. I actually thought I was good at reading most people. Maybe not.

Everything is such a mind game these days. I do tend to over analyze just about everything, but hey that is just the way I am and probably always will be. So if I do read into things too much, I need to learn how to not read into things I guess.

This would be easier, but I truly truly believe that most everyone has ulterior motives hidden in their intentions. I know I usually have ulterior motives when it come to the things I do and say. It's my way of trying to 'manipulate' certain outcomes and such. Now even though I try to manipulate things, this does not mean I am any good at it. In fact, things rarely work out how I want them to, even when I subconsciously try to push them one way or another.

But if this is how my mind works, why wouldn't others' minds work the same way? This makes me suspicious of people and their motives sometimes because I'm convinced they may be trying to manipulate things to their liking which may not be my liking. Maybe I need to have more faith in people and trust them more...I guess it's not like I think everyone is out to get me with their ulterior motives or anything like that. That would be crazy and make me sound crazy. (which I'm sure is how this post is turning out...)

Regardless of how well I think I know people or understand people, they will always keep me on my toes by doing the things they do. And in reality, I like it this way. I mean after all, I will soon have a degree in sociology which is all about people, the things they do, why they do it, and observing it all.

As much as it drives me crazy, I like it. Sick, right?

So go ahead and throw me a mental curve ball. You just bet your booty that I will try to hit it anyways.