Happy face.

Since I received a request for more videos, I thought I would post some JT.

I have always loved this song because it just makes me want to dance and dancing makes me happy and I've been putting on my happy face as of late.

In high school when I worked at Subway and closed late at night, I would crank this song when it came on the radio and dance while I cleaned. Then I realized that we had security cameras recording my every move. Classic.

Enjoy!

Pansy up.

My world is changing around me, but I stay the same. Things feel so different lately; it's tangible. People are moving on and forward with their lives and I'm really happy for them...just a bit jealous that my life seems to be stuck on repeat. I knew this would happen eventually, but never prepared for it.

Friends that I thought were friends are turning out not to be friends which sucks, but it happens. Others are leaving and moving on with their great plans for their lives which is awesome. Part of me wishes that things could stay the same but that isn't even possible since they are ever-changing. Things are different from month to month and week to week even. I guess that is just how it goes. But those are minor changes and now I have to deal with major changes to my environment. Now is when I feel like I should have put more effort into friendships and regret that I won't have the chance too. Or maybe it just won't be as easy. Lesson learned too late once again.

But back to the life changes...I often tell myself that I have plenty of time and that I'm only 23 so it's okay to sit back and relax for a while. That just seems like a cop out as of late though. I expect more from myself. I used to be a go-getter. But then I knew what I wanted to go-get.

People are often polite and will ask me about my future plans or the things I've shared that I want to accomplish. "Have you thought more about the Peace Corps? What about grad school??" they ask and instead of having a normal reaction to these questions, I often feel attacked. I tense up and skirt around the question because honestly it feels like I'm not trying in life. I never used to react this way. But sometimes people don't buy my vague answers and keep pushing for the real answers. It's not very easy to admit that you're afraid and when I try to put my fears into words, people think I'm being irrational and don't understand. I guess it's just hard to explain so that's why I've just quit trying. I know people just care about me and are trying to be nice, but I feel added pressured and I already put enough pressure on myself.

Yes I have all these things I want to accomplish but they seem so much bigger than me so I'm afraid to reach for them. Failure is a fear of mine and I hate appearing weak. So if I don't try, I can't fail right? How lame is that mindset?

I need to stop being a pansy.

Acceptance

Denial is often a friend of mine and I embrace it often. More often than I maybe should. It just makes me feel better about certain situations that I am not quite ready to accept. But I am going to try and accept things quicker and just move on.

I will embrace each choice and decision I make because it is a part of my life. Some choices are more permanent than others, but I will not let those choices control me or my life.

I am in control and choose my actions. I may not always make the most responsible or “right” decisions , but they are made sometimes and make me who I am today. And I just so happen to like myself, flaws included.

Bummer.

Well I’m sad to report that no major life changes will be happening anytime soon. I was pretty bummed out as I really wanted to live the life of a Nicolas Spark’s book, but alas. I guess it was not the right opportunity for me, even though it felt like it. But this wouldn’t be the first time in my life that my feelings were confused and not aligned with reality. I sometimes think that life would be better if I felt nothing at all, but then other times I feel that feelings are all I have and cling to the memories of the good ones. But anyways...

I will just sit back and wait for the next opportunity to come along and hope that it will be the one that works in my favor. Until then, I think I really need to reevaluate what I want in my life right now. Being where I am isn’t as terrible as I tell myself sometimes and it’s nice to have the comfort in my life when I get knocked down and disappointed. I really am quite satisfied in every area of my life except for the job/career situation.

I know it could be worse, but I think it could be better. So I will just keep holding out for that area to improve. I just want something that makes me proud and puts my education to use because lately, I wonder why I even went to college. I don’t feel like it’s helping me at all and I never wanted to or thought I would regret it…but honestly, lately I do. Maybe my attitude just needs an adjustment but really it’s just hard to be positive and upbeat all the time. So I’m sure it’s just a phase and I will be happy when it’s over.

Peace.

Moving on.

So many thoughts are buzzing through my mind.

It’s turning out to be a crazy week with returning from Minneapolis on Tuesday, and then working both jobs and finally packing so I can move this Saturday. But that’s really just the physical part of my week. Too bad the physical takes up so much time. But anything physical always does.

Along with prepping myself for a move to my very own apartment, I have so many thoughts going through my mind. I received potentially exciting news that could cause my comfortable life here to take a potentially drastic change. I can't help but wonder if I'm ready for it.

But more on that later as I’m probably getting ahead of myself. Yet my mind races with the changes that could be. How much do I want my life to change right now? It’s a good question and I really don’t have the answer. I do know that things are getting too comfortable lately and that is a feeling that I find very uncomfortable.

Maybe it’s time to move on, if the right opportunity comes my way. I guess all I can do is my best and see what happens as only time will tell. I’ve been going by my instincts and gut feelings a lot lately meaning if something feels right to me, I do it. This applies to everything I do or don't do. So if this change feels right, I’m jumping.

here we are...

This is another one of those songs. I love everything about it. It's calm yet so full of passion. Lyrically beautiful and just awesome. I could listen to it on repeat and sometimes do. It's close to the top of the list of my most favorite songs.

I love the line "What a beautiful mess, this is. It's like taking a guess when the only answer is 'yes' ". It sums up my life and the uncertainty I have so beautifully. It gets me every time.

So I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

My musical drugs.

Every once in a while, there are songs/lyrics that just speak to me. These songs/lyrics often have a soothing/calming effect over me and I tend to always migrate back to them at some point through my musical journeys.

Below is one of them. An oldie, but a goodie that I will always love probably because part of me will always be able to identify with it.