Bummer.

Well I’m sad to report that no major life changes will be happening anytime soon. I was pretty bummed out as I really wanted to live the life of a Nicolas Spark’s book, but alas. I guess it was not the right opportunity for me, even though it felt like it. But this wouldn’t be the first time in my life that my feelings were confused and not aligned with reality. I sometimes think that life would be better if I felt nothing at all, but then other times I feel that feelings are all I have and cling to the memories of the good ones. But anyways...

I will just sit back and wait for the next opportunity to come along and hope that it will be the one that works in my favor. Until then, I think I really need to reevaluate what I want in my life right now. Being where I am isn’t as terrible as I tell myself sometimes and it’s nice to have the comfort in my life when I get knocked down and disappointed. I really am quite satisfied in every area of my life except for the job/career situation.

I know it could be worse, but I think it could be better. So I will just keep holding out for that area to improve. I just want something that makes me proud and puts my education to use because lately, I wonder why I even went to college. I don’t feel like it’s helping me at all and I never wanted to or thought I would regret it…but honestly, lately I do. Maybe my attitude just needs an adjustment but really it’s just hard to be positive and upbeat all the time. So I’m sure it’s just a phase and I will be happy when it’s over.

Peace.

Moving on.

So many thoughts are buzzing through my mind.

It’s turning out to be a crazy week with returning from Minneapolis on Tuesday, and then working both jobs and finally packing so I can move this Saturday. But that’s really just the physical part of my week. Too bad the physical takes up so much time. But anything physical always does.

Along with prepping myself for a move to my very own apartment, I have so many thoughts going through my mind. I received potentially exciting news that could cause my comfortable life here to take a potentially drastic change. I can't help but wonder if I'm ready for it.

But more on that later as I’m probably getting ahead of myself. Yet my mind races with the changes that could be. How much do I want my life to change right now? It’s a good question and I really don’t have the answer. I do know that things are getting too comfortable lately and that is a feeling that I find very uncomfortable.

Maybe it’s time to move on, if the right opportunity comes my way. I guess all I can do is my best and see what happens as only time will tell. I’ve been going by my instincts and gut feelings a lot lately meaning if something feels right to me, I do it. This applies to everything I do or don't do. So if this change feels right, I’m jumping.

here we are...

This is another one of those songs. I love everything about it. It's calm yet so full of passion. Lyrically beautiful and just awesome. I could listen to it on repeat and sometimes do. It's close to the top of the list of my most favorite songs.

I love the line "What a beautiful mess, this is. It's like taking a guess when the only answer is 'yes' ". It sums up my life and the uncertainty I have so beautifully. It gets me every time.

So I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

My musical drugs.

Every once in a while, there are songs/lyrics that just speak to me. These songs/lyrics often have a soothing/calming effect over me and I tend to always migrate back to them at some point through my musical journeys.

Below is one of them. An oldie, but a goodie that I will always love probably because part of me will always be able to identify with it.

reborn.

It’s hard to explain what I’ve been feeling lately. I haven’t been writing much, but that is definitely not due to being uninspired.

I guess my recent bout with illness really took its toll on me and wiped out about 5 solid days of my life. As I lay there with a fever sleeping my days away and feeling miserable, I couldn’t help but think about all the things I should or could be doing.

I hadn’t had a fever quite some time and forgot how much it takes out of you…and actually didn’t realize it until I started feeling better. I know this sounds silly, but getting over this viral/bacterial thing and related issues really made me feel alive again. I almost feel reborn. I rekindled the appreciation I have for my body and my abilities.

I like feeling in control, especially of my body, and didn’t like the few days when my temperature hovered between 101-103 degrees. I had lost control all of a sudden and I didn’t know how to make myself better. (The doctor did not know either and was none too concerned about me. New doctor please.) There was no quick fix. I just had to ride it out and trust in my body's ability to fight the good fight. Darwinism at its finest, I guess. As miserable as I was during that time and felt like death was becoming me, I had no choice.

But I have to tell you, the feeling of getting better was amazing. I haven’t felt that appreciative about really anything in a long time. Our bodies are amazing creations and a healthy one is such a blessing. As much as we all fight with body image, weight issues, and just plain liking our physical selves, we need to take a step back and really look at ourselves. It's time to stop hating and start loving.

I have always been a fairly confident person, but never truly appreciated what I have inside and out or maybe just lost sight of it. I had to get out of balance to really appreciate the harmonious balance we can have emotionally, physically and spiritually.

It’s a scary thought to take anything for granted too much and I’m glad I was able to be grounded by a simple infection. Now that I have this newly found optimism towards my life and the world, I'll try to use it because the time is now.

Peace and love to the Earth and all its inhabitants.

wishful thinking...

If I had just one wish and only one wish, I would wish for…I don’t know. World peace is an obvious answer and one I would strongly consider. To change the lives of millions and billions of people with one sweeping wish would be amazing.

But what would world peace constitute you ask?

No more wars.

Clean drinking water for all.

Safe housing and places to live.

An equal distribution of wealth or at least much closer than it is now (how socialist of me, I know).

No more genocide.

No more drug cartels and drug lords.

No more innocent deaths.

No more rape.

No more domestic violence.

No more pain and suffering.

No more fear for standing up for what you believe in.

No more judgment.

Basically no more "bad".

We would all be equals like it is supposed to be. I would still want to have separate cultures because if we were all exactly the same that would be boring. And this way we could learn from each other and really see what the other is offering. We would be always respectful of and learn to appreciate our differences, but in the end realize that we are all essentially the same. This is what we are; only human.

Why then does it have to take a wish for this to happen? Why are money, greed and power so intoxicating to many? Life is so materialistic for many while others never get to experience many of the material things we consider basic needs and even rights.

All of these thoughts make life much more frustrating and it’s hard to think that one person can make a difference when there are so many things wrong in the world. Many that only affect us indirectly and only if we are willing to think about them and let them affect us. We have so much power. It's time to start using it...unless I stumble upon a genie in a lamp, a la Aladdin-style, and can fix it all myself. But I'm probably going to need some help.

No more denial...

So it's official. I will admit what I've inevitably been denying for a while now...

I'm lost.

Or at least that's how I feel in my life. I think I've always had somewhat of a direction, but as of late I don't think that's true. I just don't know about anything anymore.

I don't know what I want in any aspect of my life. I don't know what will make me happy or what makes me happy right now. All the stability I thought I had is crumbling around me like old concrete. I have no idea how to stop it or make it all better. I do things that I think I want or that I think will make me happy, but ultimately they don't.

So I'll pose the question: what am I supposed to do to make things better?

Because I sure as heck don't know.