My lips like sugar.

Hi. My name is Jen and I am addicted to sugar.

I have a serious sweet tooth. I crave sweet things, usually at night, and I just keep enabling myself by giving into those cravings, maybe not all the time, but most of the time.

I heard/read somewhere that the more sugar you eat and put in your body, the more your body craves it and needs it. Well isn't that lovely? So I suppose I have a straight up sugar addiction. I guess there are worse things I could be addicted to like alcohol, tobacco, meth, narcotics, porn, etc. But it's pretty bad when I start justifying ice cream as a meal, right? I need help.

So I've come up with 2 solutions to this addiction.

1. I could eat sugary things for every meal until I get sick of them. (Which probably won't work if that whole theory about the more you eat, the more you crave is true....)
2. I could go cold turkey. No sweets at all and just cut myself off.

I guess the best logical choice would be #2. So that's what I will (try) to do.

Stay tuned for updates.

Stay or leave?

This question has been haunting me lately.

I never thought it would be something I would ponder so much. Man, I hate having to be responsible sometimes.

Pretty sure I will be making a pros/cons list to help me figure things out. And then I just may end up flipping a coin or drawing out of a hat because I can't really flip a coin well.

I've used the 'drawing out of the hat' method for many decisions in my life and find it pretty reliable because deep down I usually know what I want to "draw" out.

Updates to come soon (I hope).

Peace and love.

(few) great expectations

I often wonder if I expect too little out of things. There are things that I do expect great things in, but with others I have more of a 'meh' attitude. What made me like this? Past experiences? Failures or successes?

I would probably blame it most on disappointment. It's a funny thing how you can be so optimistic and sure of something, but then it doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to or anticipated. Then comes the disappointment for me. I try not to dwell on it and think I deal with it and am moved on, but really I don't think I ever am. Because then a new situation arises and those past feelings of disappointment resurface and affect how I see things and react. Sometimes it would be nice to approach every situation with a completely open mind and have no triggers of the times where things didn't go according to plan.

Really my only expectation out of life right now is to be happy and to figure out what will make me happy.

I don't expect to make a lot of money. I hope to live comfortably, but we'll see. I still need to find a job and decide on a future career.

I don't expect to own a home, large, average, or small. I just always figured I would rent forever because I am never happy in one place for a long time and home purchases are long time commitments.

I expect to get married. This has to do more with the statistics...since 90-95% of Americans get married at some point in their lives, I would say the odds are against me, so I might as well expect nuptials at some point in my life.

I don't expect to have kids. I really don't think I am cut out for it and am just not the mothering type. I don't think I would be any good at it.

Looks like I don't expect pretty much the whole 'American dream' except for maybe the being happy part. So if the typical 'American dream' won't make me happy, I have to wonder what will. I don't know what I really want out of life and I suppose once I figure that out, I will know what will make me happy.

Is it weird that I have such low expectations for the things that most people probably expect as givens for their life?

It makes me wonder what I am actually living my life for.

Talk about influence.

This is the type of positive effect I would like to have on others. Maybe not necessarily the exact same situation, but it just goes to show the influence we can have on others without even trying.

(I had a great video that I wanted to link here, but couldn't get it to work so please just imagine your own positive influential situation. Maybe I will play around with the video some other time, but for right now, improvise!)

If I am ever in a potential influential situation, I hope I have the guts to carry on and not care what others think of me.

Peace and love.

Jumper

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I should do with my life come the end of August. Should I stay in SF, get a random job, and ride the year out? Or do I apply for jobs in random cities I want to live in and pack up and leave? I truly am torn. Part of me wants nothing more than to get out of here; my friend said you could even hear the desperation in my voice. Not good. Yet, the practical side of me says to stay, work, and save up money...it's only a year. A year isn't much time but sometimes it can feel like a lifetime.

I've always told myself that as soon as I can make a run for it, I'm getting the hell out of here. I have nothing holding me down and have done that somewhat on purpose. I push guys away that may want to get close to me because I do not want to live here or have to change my plans to accommodate their plans. I'm selfish right now and am happily single because I choose to be so. I don't want to get attached to someone right now and not follow through with my dreams.

I'm being pulled in two directions. Should I be rational or irrational? How much money do you need to move away? I don't want to fail if I decide to go for it so maybe I should stay and work and save up money. But the thing is, I have never been good at saving. In fact, I really really suck at it. So what are the chances if I do stay for a year that I will actually save? I would say very slim unless I all of a sudden learn frugality and self discipline.

So what do I do? Just the thought of having to suffer through another SD winter makes me want to cry in despair. I just don't want to deal with it anymore.

Now that the chance to do something big is before me, I don't know whether to jump or not. Maybe I'm afraid to jump. I know I'm a little apprehensive, but it's hard not to be. I mean this isn't a little move I'm hoping to make; it's all or nothing which adds more fear and excitement to the situation.

I'm thinking about a little vacation in September and I know if I go, I won't want to come back.

Maybe that's the push I need to make the jump.

real vs. ideal

I was an idealist for a long time. But things change. The world and life toughens you up, or at least it did to me. Now I don't think my idealistic self is completely gone, meaning I don't think I am that cold-hearted or cynical, but the rainbows and sunshine part of me is much smaller and I try to push it to the back of my mind/self and let the big, bad realistic part through more often these days.

I used to have so much faith in people thinking that most everyone is intelligent, considerate, and rational. Over the years, the truth has begun to seep out and I stopped seeing everybody through rose-colored glasses. I grew up and lost that wide-eyed innocent ideal of others and the world, I guess.

Not all is lost though. I do believe that there are good people in the world, just not as many as once before. That is probably the idealist coming out. Part of me refuses to give up hope completely and I cling on to it. I want to believe so badly that there is more good in the world instead of bad that this is often what I tell people. I stick up for people I don't know because I don't want to judge them or the situation too quickly. I might get let down in the long run, but I might be surprised also. These rare occurrences of surprise are what feeds my idealism. But I can't ever see myself going back completely to my idealistic self.

Even though I am more of a realist, I really strive to be equal parts realist and idealist; rational and hopeful at the same time. I want to find something inspiring to help balance me out. I need something to balance me out.

So here's to hoping the universe will send something wonderful my way and maybe I can get a glimpse of the world through those rose-colored glasses again.

fear factor

(In light of the recent murder of Dr. Tiller and the affect it has on me at my internship, I thought I would share a few thoughts that I have been consumed by lately.)

We live in a crazy world. I realize that this is not new news or anything, but sometimes I am really thrown for a loop with what goes on. People are always going to disagree on certain topics, like abortion or immigration, but is violence really the answer? No. It is not or is it ever the the answer, yet people resort to it. But by killing or hurting someone else, you are not helping your cause. In fact you are probably hurting it because it is always the few extremists that lead to the use of labels and stereotypes, which in the end hurt us all.

I never thought I would be in the position where violence could maybe be used on me just for my beliefs or support of an issue or at least not this soon in life. I thought I lived in America where we have freedom of speech among other civil liberties and therefore should respect other's opinions and ideas because they are legally allowed to have them. I thought that is what makes America great. Maybe I just need to move away, but I am also convinced that every place has its problems. I am also convinced that other places are more tolerant of others and their views too...I just need to find said places and get the hell out of here.

The truth is, I am kind of drawn to controversial topics though and want to contribute to understanding and tolerance and possible change in the world. I can't help it; I want to make a difference just like so many others do or have done. I don't know the exact path that I will take, but I have a feeling I'm very close to it or maybe even on it. And although I do value my safety and life very highly, I refuse to let fear run my life.

Peace.