Is nurture really that important?

I think I lack the mothering instinct than many people, mostly assume women, possess. I have never been particularly good with children and never really had any desire to babysit...especially after I took the Babysitters Safety Course offered by the Red Cross when I was 12ish? (I don't actually remember how old I was when I took it!) Maybe that is when I truly started to understand the responsibility that came with caring for kids.

I mean I had plenty of dolls growing up and loved playing 'house'. I would pretend the dolls were real babies and I was an amazing mom at age 5 and really had it down by age 7. But the thing with dolls, is that they are not real. It's an obvious feature, but hey, I thought if I could take care of a plastic baby, how hard could a real one be?

Fast forward a few years, baby cousins were born and that was really my only exposure to young kids. Needless to say, it wasn't much and I rarely got to hold them. If I did, it was only for a few minutes and I was always sitting down, thanks to the never ending concern by my mother. I guess I can understand why I wasn't too trusted with young children when I was a kid myself...

But now, I am 22 years old and people still do not trust me with babies. I do pretty good with kids ages 3 and up, but anything under 3 and I get watched like a hawk. I mean really people!?! So I may not have much experience with babies and toddlers but hey the best way to learn is some hands-on experience! It's not like I'm going to drop them.

Cuter than any doll I had-my niece.

So how do I gain people's trust in my mothering ability? I have no idea...I really do think I lack that nurturing/caring thing that moms tend to be so good at. I am so awkward around kids it's ridiculous. I keep waiting for my supposedly "natural" instincts to kick in, but no such luck. I thought that maybe after my niece was born they would kick in stronger....nope. I do think she is really really cute and like being around her but could not imagine having that kind of responsibility right now. Or not even in the next 10 years.

Maybe I should accept the fact that the only thing I've been able to care for and keep alive are pets and that's even limited to cats and dogs. So what gives me the confidence that I would have the ability to be an awesome mom to a child? Certainly not my track record of mothering things.

Maybe I am just not meant to have little carbon copies of myself running around. I think I could live with this yet I don't want to rule anything out just yet....After all, I am only 22 years old.

Who's happy now?

It has occurred to me that maybe because of the content of some of my posts, I come across as unhappy. This is not the case, I am happy. I deal with some things by writing and this is how I let them go or get them off my mind so every post is not upbeat with rainbows and bunnies.

Do I think I could be happier? Yes I do, but in my current situation at this current time, I do feel happy.

So I am going to make a list of 11 things that make me happy right now. In no particular order:

1. karma
2. good friends
3. the spring weather
4. summer concerts
5. my niece
6. music
7. my internship
8. living with Em soon
9. starbucks boy
10. spring dresses
11. president obama

So there you go.

Take that haters. =)

Spring break update...

As spring break comes to an end and the realization that I have to get up early tomorrow to go to class sets in, I want to give a little update as to how my spring break turned out.

Besides the snowstorm, the weather did get warmer as the week went on and today was even in the 50's! Woohoo! Spring is coming! And as usual, I did not achieve everything I had wanted to but I am happy with how the week turned out. I still need to work on my motivation for school, but that should get better once I stop skipping so many classes! =P

Anyway, on a personal level, I was able to clear my head and finally come to terms with some things in my life that have been bouncing around in my head for quite some time. I feel like I can finally let go and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I am in a good place mentally and emotionally. I had a rough few days in these past few weeks, but thanks to some amazing friends I've been able to cope with things. I sometimes feel so incredibly alone in my life and just figure I should get use to it, but then someone steps in and lets me lean on them for a while and I am so incredibly grateful.

So to wrap this up, sometimes life sucks and knocks you down and goes way too fast, but you get up and realize that life is short but sweet for certain...

It's that time of year

Yes everybody, it's here.

Spring break, that is! Now while I would rather be going someplace wonderful and warm, like New Orleans last year, I am staying in South Dakota. But speaking of the Big Easy, I need to go down and check on the baby trees I planted last year...maybe in a few years...Anyways, this year for spring break I will be traveling up and down I-29, spending a few days here and a few days there.

While I plan on relaxing much, I really really need to take this week to refocus on school and my life. I have been so unmotivated as of late it is ridiculous. I have NEVER been this way before in my entire life so I need to buckle down and get some school work done so I can earn some good grades in my last semester. I also have much to do pertaining to my upcoming internship this summer, so it shall be a relaxing, yet productive week. Hopefully.

So here's to hoping and for all of you going/at someplace warm, I'm jealous and you suck. I hope you sunburn.

Not really, but thinking it made me feel better! :) Kisses!

I'm pulling my woman card

I am a very independent woman. I am going to use woman because I am 22 and therefore according to my social work class, no longer a girl.

I don't like to complain and use the "I'm just a girl" or "you don't get it because you're not a woman" excuses a lot but sometimes they are necessary. Until women and men get equal pay for the same jobs, I will pull the woman card when I feel it is needed to justify my cause. I know that most men do not like this or get it, but hey I'm a woman and I can do it. It's my card. No matter how much of an education I get, even if I get a PhD, I will never earn as much in salary because I am a woman. Something that I never had any say in has predetermined a part of my life. Lovely.

Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy being female for the most part. It is just hard to not think that life would be easier male. I also am not a radical feminist, although I guess I would have to say I am somewhat of a feminist since I am writing this. Yet I do not get upset when men hold the door open for me, in fact, I like it. Chivalry is greatly appreciated by me. I do want to be taken care of, but I never ever want to depend completely on a man. This may or may not hurt my chances in the love department. We will see.

I got off on a tangent there, so back to my woman rant. I am currently taking a domestic and intimate partner violence class and in our text book, the ideas of masculinity and femininity and the effects that culture has on them is discussed. We learn how to act as a male or a female from our culture and surroundings. You can't do much to fight it. In the US, we have had pretty much the same ideals and expectations about masculinity and femininity for quite some time now. Men are suppose to be strong, powerful, the breadwinner, and a sexual prowess. (The book's terms, not mine) While women are suppose to be passive, submissive, and domestic. There is an article in the book that was taken from Housekeeping Monthly in 1955, entitled The Good Wife's Guide. I'm sure you know where I'm going with this, but let me list a few things from that article.

In no particular order:

-Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.

-During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

-Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

-Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first---remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

-Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

-A good wife always knows her place.

This list made me throw up a little in my mouth. Seriously. Now I know that this was written a long time ago and it rather outdated, but it is still sickening. I know that times have changed and that not all men expect this from women or their wives. I just am disgusted that this is what was expected of women. It's ridiculous.

Let me wrap this up by saying, I do not think that women are treated unfairly all the time. There are just some instances that bother me and upset me and therefore, I pull the woman card in hopes that someone will listen to what I have to say. To have my voice heard is all I really want. I don't have to be right (even though most of the time I think I am), I just want to have a good conversation and hear what you have to say too.

So with that, thanks for letting me pull the card and remember guys, you can open the door for me anytime you want.

My saving grace.

As I alluded to in a previous blogging post, I clench my teeth at night. And possibly grind them. Most of the time I do it without even realizing it and it causes me great pain. The best way to deal with this flaw of mine is a nite guard. I have been putting this off and dealing with the pain for a couple of years now for 2 reasons:


1. Nite guards cost money.

2. How lame is it that I need a nite guard?? I mean what am I, old?


Anyways, a few weeks ago I started to experience some intense tooth pain and decided to go to the dentist convinced my sweet tooth had finally had too much and I had a cavity. But no, no cavity for me. The dentist concluded that my tooth has a really short root which could contribute to the pain, but most likely it was from my teeth clenching. Great.


So she reshaped my tooth to alter my bite so I don't put as much pressure on my pained tooth and fitted me for a nite guard. The thing I have been dreading would soon be mine and I could pick it up the next day. Yay.


Although I was against the nite guard initially, I loved it immediately the next morning. Who would have ever thought that a little piece of plastic could be so wondrous!? And it even came with a mold of my teeth so it will always hold its form and be able to hug my pearly whites perfectly! (Actually, I was a little creeped out by my very own mold of my teeth, but hey who am I to judge the ways of dentistry.)

Almost like dentures. NOT.

Moral of the story: Don't fight the inevitable.

Worth every penny.

My dreams.

I am going to blog about my dreams. Now I don't mean my goals or aspirations in life, but my unconscious thoughts that occur every night. Yes, I said every night. I think I may have the most active unconscious mind ever. I really should be studied at a sleep center somewhere.

Usually my dreams are rather enjoyable, so I guess I should be happy I don't suffer from many nightmares. If that was the case, I probably would have to be studied or at least have some therapy! But yes, I am fortunate enough to have happy dreams basically every night. I usually remember them better in the morning and if I wake up mid-dream, I can easily fall back into it and pick up where I left off. Or if I didn't like how it was going, I have altered some and then re-dreamed them more to my liking. Seriously.

In the book Drugs, Sex, and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman has 23 questions he claims to ask everyone he meets in order to decide if he can really love them. Without getting too into that concept, here is question #6:

At long last, someone invents "the dream VCR". This machine allows you to tape an entire evening's worth of your own dreams, which you can then watch at your leisure. However, the inventor of the dream VCR will only allow you to use this device if you agree to a strange caveat: When you watch your dreams, you must do so with your family and your closest friends in the same room. They get to watch your dreams along with you. And if you don't agree to this, you can't use the dream VCR.
Would you still do this?

This is an interesting question and after very little thought, I would not do it. My dreams are sometimes very vivid and I remember the good ones pretty well anyways. Also I am fairly certain that I don't want my family and friends to know what goes on in my unconscious. I mean I don't always want to know what goes on there. So if you want to know about my dreams, just ask and maybe I will have a good one for you...

But some believe that your dreams can tell you something about yourself and your desires and needs if you analyze them. So I should probably keep a dream journal and maybe I could figure some things out about myself and my needs.

As for now, I will just keep on dreaming and who knows, this blogging experience just may end up in my dreams later tonight....